


America's super awesome guide to life!

by Livitup



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America, Hetalia, tony - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 20:44:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livitup/pseuds/Livitup
Summary: Alright Dudes! I'm sure that you've probably wondered how an awesome hero like me goes through life! If you haven't..TOO BAD! You're gonna learn. Anyways I'm gonna tell you all about the world from my point of view, random mini stories to make your life better, and (you didn't hear it from me) dirt about the allies. (Dudes, i think we all know by now that Britain's eyebrows aren't real)So yeah! Get ready for some awesomeness with America's super awesome guide to life!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright bros. This opening chapter is all about...stuff! Ha! Suckers! did you really think that I would spoil everything here? You gotta read this stuff guys! I will be taking requests about stuff to write about, but call me a bloody wanker, a cheeky twit or anything British and you will be ignored! And no bribing Tony, who currently has control of my computer.

Hello World! It's me, America, Alfred Jones, Super awesome hero dude, whatever you wanna call me, and I'm here to give you an inside peek of my awesome world. Now, what's this going to look like? Who Knows! it's an adventure dude! You gotta go with the flow. Now let me lay out the characters in my dramatic retelling of life.

Tony: The most awesome (and only) alien on earth! Ever since he crash landed here, Tony's been my best friend ever! He does everything with me! And things I don't need him to, but he's still great!

Britain: If there's a position called chief annoyance, there's Britain! With all his gentlemen-ness and "America you stupid twit slow down and think"-ness and his weird imaginary friends. He doesn't think Tony's weird but he talks to nothing and calls it "Uni" I don't even know. I guess I owe him for taking care of me when I was small (Tiny me! Awesome!!!) But don't tell him I said that. Seriously. I have a reputation to uphold man!

France: France is a nice yet creepy dude. If he would stop showing up in chick clothes, or no clothes, or trying to get me into chick clothes or no clothes (But would you really get into no clothes? Aren't no clothes already on? Anyways, distracted!) But he annoys Britain (And more people) Sooo, yeah. France and weird habits. And he's always stealing my victories and slapping already defeated countries. And all that "Ononononononon" Laughing. France gets a four on the scale.

Russia: Scary scary dude. Sure he's all smiles, but there's something under the surface...Like for instance one day I was making a list for stuff all the allies wanted me to buy when I went to the store, and I accidentally failed on spelling "Russia" then Russia steals the pen, and writes "Sponge to clean up America's blood if he misspells my name again." Chills bros. Nothing but chills. Yet it's hard to stay mad at someone that wears such awesome scarves. He left one at my house and I paraded around in it for a wile saying "I am Russia!" in an accent. Then I realized the real Russia had been there for the full three hours. 

China: Ok, what's with all the "aru"ing after every sentence? Every time I try it just sounds awkward. And the floppy sleeves. How is he not waving those things around like a madman? If I had those things, no one would be safe. NO ONE! Anyways China's an Ok dude. He can cook some crazy food, Unlike-someone-else-I-know-not-mentioning-names-*Cough, Britain, Cough* It's no fast food, but it works. But the pandas. I love fat fluffy things as much as the next dude, but they are so not better then aliens.

Canadia: (Tony's edit: Canada) Canadia, Canadia, Canadia. I love your name. So much better then what you tell me to call you. And I don't even remember Canadia most of the time. He's the quiet guy. He let's me talk non-stop, or maybe he left the room and I didn't notice. But he does have that awesome Kuma-something. But he beats me at hockey. Not cool

Japan: Japan is my bro! He's super awesome and cooks me awesome food! He's super brave cuz he can watch those scary movies all the way through! So Impressive!  
(Tony's edit: They're not scary) Yes they are Tony! And then Japan acts all weird whenever I touch him. But it doesn't matter. I love ya buddy!

Italy: Weak. Sauce. Wait, correction:Weak Pasta sauce. Dude, what a wussy. He can't look me in the face without shaking in his boots. Ugh. So so sad. Oh man. This wimp can't do anything but wave white flags. What an idiot. He is a pretty good cook. Ok, lets face it. I love people for the food they cook. And then you have Britain...

Germany: This is a scary dude. He's pretty hard core, and gets overly pissed when I fight with anyone, or anyone fights with someone else. To put it simply...CONTROL ISSUES!!!!

America: Hey, I'm not being conceited. I'm technically a character so it's only right if I introduce myself. So Me. Me me me...I'm a pretty awesome dude. I try to have fun yet be a leader and a hero along the way. I have some awesome allies, but they would be failures without me!

(Tony's edit: America is loud, can be a jerk, gets very upset when he loses, should probably eat a salad every once in a while. Can be clueless) 

Hahahaha! You're so funny...Tony shut up! Anyways, while I have a word with the alien I thought was my best buddy, Here's a story! Tony get over here!

 

From the mind of a hero.....MY THOUGHTS ON FLAGS!

So once upon a time, wait no, this isn't a fairy tail. Four score and seven years ago, no, but I love you Abe Lincoln! So this happened like this. There we go! Sit back ladies and dudes, and enjoy this awesome story! 

So I was probably supposed to be listening to Britain talk and such, but I swear, his accent puts people to sleep, or maybe just me... ANYWAYS THIS HAPPENED! I was looking around the room, and at the wall where all of the flags of our nations are hung up, to symbolize our ally-ness. And then I noticed something shocking.

"Hey Britain" I said.

"This had better be important America. You know I hate it when you interrupt me."

Yes I do. The last time I interrupted him to talk about a goat I heard about, he threw a chair at my head. And back to the story.

"Your flag is copying my flag's colors"

"WHAT!" Britain yelled. "IS THAT SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY!"

"Yeah. It's copying my flag. It's not cool."

"AND JUST WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?" Britain said.

"Change it. Russia, France, You too. China, take the stars off yours."

"WHAT!" they all yelled.

"Yep. You can't copy my awesomeness dudes so stop trying" I said, throwing my legs over a chair.

"America you bloody twit. If anyone's copying, it's you. You're younger then all of us. We were here first so our flags were here first."

"Uhhhh, No! You're copying me!"

"America, just stop. You're acting like an idiot and if you would kindly let me get back to what I was saying..."

"So maybe you were first, but my flag is better so you're disrespecting my coolness."

"Are you serious America?" Britain said angrily. "I'm just as cool as you are"

"Yeah right!" I said. Tell me Britain, what is a fortnight?"

"Just what you said. A fortnight"

"But what does it mean?"

"I don't have time for this game America. Now shut up and listen."

"Right after you change your flags" I said, giving the rest of the allies a thumbs up.

"NO!" They all yelled (Or, no-aru in China's case)

"But why not?" I asked. I must have pissed Britain because he came over and slapped my across the face.

"OW!"

"Are you ready to be quiet now?"

"No"

"AAARGH! STOP TALKING YOU BLOODY WANKER!"

"Are you going to change the flags?"

Britain said nothing and walked out of the room. And returned with Ice Cream.

"ICE CREAM! GIMME GIMME GIMME!" I said excitedly. 

"No" Britain said, holding the ice cream above his head, then going behind Russia. I'm taller then he is. Ha!

"America. I will give you the ice cream if you stop talking. Ok"

"OK!" I said.

And I stopped talking. The end. Plus I got ice cream.

 

(Tony's edit. I hereby apologize for all the hurtful yet true statements about America before)

Thanks Tony! Sorry about the bruises...Anyways that's it for now! i hope you enjoyed! Never fear! I will be back before long talking about other awesome things! So goodbye for now Dudes! 

And someone should totally make a petition that abolishes the British flag.


	2. It's the next chapter guys! Yeah!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back! This next chapter is gonna be a bunch of random lists! Maybe. I might get bored

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the first chapter, again, I take requests so don't hold out dudes!

Hey hey hey! It's me again! America, whatever else you call me, and I'm back! WOOOOO! Party time! Yeah! Raise the roof!

Anyways, I'm gonna actually do stuff now! This random writing does have a purpose! Yup! For real! (Tony's edit: No it doesn't. He was just bored) And now to get on topic! I'm gonna write some lists!

They're gonna be a bunch of random top ten lists that need to be said! So here we go! Without further ado...

AMERICA'S TOP TEN LISTS! List 1: ten things to do with a hamburger

10\. Eat it! Duh! What did you think I was going to do? wear it as a hat?

9\. Wear it as a hat. That's right dudes! You will be wearing an awesome new style, and when you get hungry, well, you got it covered! 

8\. Practice date. You can speak your heart out to food! It won't judge you and make you feel bad (Unlike a certain Tony I know) You can rehearse just about anything, and if you're really getting into it, you can make the food feel good before you eat it! (Tony's edit: Seriously?)

Yes Tony. Seriously. NOW ON WITH THE LIST!

7\. Use it as a weapon. If a certain someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do *Cough, Britain, Cough* and *Cough, China, Cough* and *Cough, Tony,Cough* and *Cough, lots of people, Cough* (Tony's edit: Any day now) You can get a burger, preferably with lots of special sauce, and let it fly! Hopefully the certain person will A. Dodge the food, giving you time to run, B, get hit by the food and stand there and swear, or C, something else, you're in the clear Bro! Possibly...

6\. You can tell it a story. Because what if you have an awesome story in you're head and there's no one around but your burger? Well tell away because your burger is all ears. Same thing for jokes!

5\. Dress it up. If you're a fashionable person, you'll want your burger to look fashionable too! Take some time to put tiny clothes on it so your food will look as good as you do! This is not pointless!

4\. Give your burger a name! It's always fun to say, Hello James! I'm going to eat you! But you need to be careful while doing this. I once named a burger Tony, and just before I ate it, Britain yelled at me to "get off my lazy arse" and I told him to let me eat Tony first. Well it turned out that my alien buddy got all freaked out and went to a therapy class called, so your friend wants to eat you. I'm sorry bro. I'm not a cannibal. But wait! You're not human! Alien-ibal? Hmmm... 

3\. Improve it! I think we've all had those moments when we think "Oh man. Those new potato chips taste awesome! And so does this burger! So there you go dudes! Put a little bit of this and that on it! Now with your new and improved burger, you can eat it and it will taste great! Probably! (Tony's edit: Carrot cake, spaghetti, peanut butter and powdered sugar on one burger. Food poisoning dare I say?)

2\. Eat it with a friend! Spread the burger love guys! Let everyone taste the awesomeness. And if they won't eat it with you, MORE FOR YOU! This can not go wrong. 

1\. Eat burgers for a straight week! This isn't as hard as it sounds! It tastes awesome! No regrets! 

(Tony's edit: These are all strictly for entertainment. Please don't try the last one.)

What are you talking about Tony? These are all awesome! Except you have to be ready to do some hardcore exercise after the last one...

(Tony's edit: I rest my case)

You're right. That's enough lists for today!

THE END TO PART ONE OF THE LISTS!

Don't worry dudes! There will be a whole lot more lists. To wrap things up today, I think I'll tell you all a story!

 

From the mind of a hero: My thoughts on chores

Chores. We all hate 'em.

The unholy bane of existence...wait, that made no sense.

Chores suck. THERE WE GO!

So once upon a time, there was a closet. It was located in the room where we have ally meetings. It was named the forbidden closet because no one knew what was in there. I could have sworn there was a ghost, but it was way worse.

So I was supposed to clean up at the room because I was there, and Britain wanted me to do something productive. (You know, most of my problems go back to Britain. Or Wifi. Or clowns)

So I decided that I would clean...by putting Tony in a maid costume and making him do everything!

(Tony's edit: I did not know of this)

Of course you didn't. I never got a chance to even buy your maid costume. That's due to curiosity because I was all alone. It was only me and the closet so I did what any dude would do. Open that sucker up!

What was inside was worse then a ghost. It was...A MESS!

Dust and dirty crap went all over the place. Soon the meeting room looked like a junkyard. ALL THANKS TO ME!

(Tony's edit: And you wonder why you need supervision) 

Shush Tony. I'm still talking. Anyways it was a mess.

I'm so totally allergic to messes. Whenever I'm around them it makes me feel dizzy and want to lay around and do nothing but watch TV and wish for magic to make the mess disappear.

(Tony's edit: I believe that's called being lazy and having no morals) 

Jeez Tony. You were less sarcastic in the last chapter. Anywhatsit, I was suffering from the mess when the phone rang. It was Britain making sure I was doing stuff. Our conversation went like this:

BRITAIN: America you lazy twit, are you done cleaning?

ME: Aghhh! *Choking noises*

BRITAIN: What in the queen's name are you doing

ME: *More chocking*

BRITAIN: America.....is something wrong?

ME: Britain, buddy, I need to ask you something *Choking*

BRITAIN: America! Are you Ok?

ME: I...have one request....

BRITAIN: AMERICA!

ME: *More choking*

BRITAIN: America speak to me!

ME: *Drops the phone*

And that was the end of the conversation. I was totally ready to accept death, but then the wild Britain made an appearance.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED IN HERE!"

I pretended to be dead.

"AMERICA!" Britain yelled angrily. "WHERE ARE YOU! WHAT DID YOU DO!"

He found me. "You are not dead! Get up! And to think I was actually worried about you."

He forced me up and handed me a vacuum, a broom, a mop, insert cleaning stuff here,

"Clean!" he commanded.

"But I don't know how" was all I said.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Britain yelled.

He apparently decided that he didn't want to teach me how to clean and did it himself.

I swear Britain has OCD. 

Anyways, morale of the story, act pathetic and your annoying friends will do everything for you!

(Tony's edit: I regret leaving my planet...)

What? Ok then....I'm gonna go cry, I MEAN DO STUFF!. Goodbye...

(Tony's edit: Hey wait! I didn't mean it!)

Oh ok! Anyways, I'm gonna end here. Until next time dudes! 

PEACE OUT!


	3. And we have a third chapter!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back again! I think I'm finally getting into the swing of this! Woo-hoo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations if you're still reading this!

I HAVE RETURNED! WOO-HOO! YAY! 

Anyways, as I attempt to get on a somewhat organized somewhat plan, here's a random list!

AMERICA'S TOP TEN LISTS! ten ways to tell if you have been hit by the odd-pocalypse 

10\. everything in your house has a face and you didn't intend for them to have it. 

9\. Your neighbor is always doing a hula dance when ever you look outside, even at three in the morning.

8\. Your goldfish is running a black market for marbles, and you don't even own a goldfish

7\. Instead of a coo-coo in your coo-coo clock, when the hour comes, out comes a storm of angry corn chips

6\. There seems to be an octopus on your couch watching Monty Python

(Tony's edit: what the heck?)

5\. There's an abundance of soap and popcorn in your bed, and there's a roadrunner hogging it all

4\. Elvis Presley in a cowboy hat is trying to remind you about your lunch date

3\. That little bird statue in the front hall follows you around your house asking for peanut butter and anchovies. Plus you never bought a little bird statue. 

2\. Your alien buddy is wearing pants

(Tony's edit: Was is really that strange?)

1\. You think Britain is an excellent cook

 

If this is happening you guys, Don't fear! I have created a supply list that totally covers what you need if the odd-pocalypse hits! And here it is!

AMERICA'S AWESOME LIST OF SURVIVAL GEAR!

A flashlight. Please dudes. We all know that a nice round of shadow puppets calms us all down.

Boots. They're big, and awesome and make cool clunking noises as you walk.

A hat. It makes you look professional! But first you need to pick a good hat. A fruit hat does not get the message across.

A rope. Rope tricks are fun, plus you can attempt to lasso stuff. Lassoing yourself does not count, but you can dress the nearest plant/statue/pillow/alien in a cow hat and rope him and run around and yell "I got a cow!"

(Tony's edit: I'm not a cow. That experience wasn't fun.)

food. part of survival is staying alive. You need food to stay alive. I think this one's pretty self explanatory

Matches. You can have a bonfire in your living room! Except you might want to make sure that there's an actual bonfire pit. You could also light random things on fire and throw them at people! Until those nasty 'this isn't safe' thoughts come

a chair. Survival makes you tired so you're going to want a place to sit. Now there are lots of different chairs. You should get a swivel chair and ride everywhere in that thing, until you encounter stairs.

(Tony's edit: How exactly do these things help you survive?")

That's easy! These are instruments of fun! the odd-pocalypse might seem awful, but merge with the weirdness and have fun with it all!

 

Anyways, I'm done with lists for now!

(Tony's edit: Thank God)

But the lists will be back! Anyways, I'm gonna give you some real hardcore advice now. How to survive vacations!

So dudes, you're finally going on that dream vacation! No school, no job, no whatever else you do on a daily basis, All hardcore fun! I don't know where you're going to go, but for this example, I'm gonna pick Mars!

(Tony's edit: But Mars is so overrated!)

Alright buddy. Where do you think we should go?

(Tony's edit: Xxyrdrasxl!)

Huh?

(Tony's edit: You heard me. Go to Xxydrasxl!

Okay! we're going to Xxeidrasticesal! 

(Tony's edit: you mean Xxydrasxl)

Dude, I can hardly pronounce that! We're gonna use the beach instead!

(Tony's edit: You're missing out)

Maybe another time! So the beach!

You lucky dudes are going to the most awesome beach in the world

(Tony's edit: On Xxydrasxl!)

Sure sure. Anyways you have all that white sand, cool teal waves...

(Tony's edit: the awesome view of all twelve suns!)

Ok? You can see all twelve suns! There are lots of shells...

(Tony's edit: just watch out for the shell of the spiny screaming death crab)

Ok, Tony, this dream vacation is getting weird. Let me do this my way...HgirihiNkkD Hey! What are you doing! Jogjdgjd;ogsj;ogj

 

Hello! This is Tony! I have taken over the computer and locked America in a closet. Now, I'm going to describe to you the perfect Xxydrasxl vacation. 

You can see all beautiful twelve suns in perfect tanning position, the beautiful silver waves. The spiny screaming death crabs are changing their shells, so be careful not to pick up the old ones. You'll be poisoned and die instantly. 

But anyways, it's a beautiful scene. All the young couples are frolicking together on the shore, but you're single and your only friend is an earthling...

OH NO! HE GOT OUT bbhHIH)HHF

 

I ESCAPED! It was so heroic and awesome. It was perfect that I remembered that I keep a spare key in my jacket. Oh yeah. It's me America by the way. 

Tony, bro. That was a very sad life story, but seriously? we're trying to keep things positive and awesome here!

(Tony's edit: I'll strand you on Xxydrasxl and see how you feel)

Ok jeez. How about you go get a cookie and I'll end this chapter with a random story!

(Tony's edit: fine)

Uh oh. Maybe I should have Tony that I ate all the cookies last night. Oh well! Anyways bros, here's a story for you!

From the mind of a hero...Raking leaves!

It was your average boring day. Tony and I had nothing to do but watch reruns of everything. Really! Only reruns. Nothing but reruns! It was torture. I was all ready to give up hope and succumb to boredom, when the phone rang. 

"Hello!" I practically yelled. This was totally the most exciting thing that happened all day. 

"Hey America" a very soft voice said.

I knew this voice, I knew it, but who was it...

"Hi Canadia!" I said, figuring it out.

"I'm Canada" my mysterious caller said.

"Whatever! Why are you calling bro?"

"I was walking outside your house. I thought you raked your leaves last week"

I hadn't. I was totally ready to do it, but Tony got that new movie I wanted to see, so Mr. Rake is still in the garage.

"Uh, your point is!?"

"I can help you rake them if you want."

"That's awesome Canadia! Come on over!"

"I'm Canada" he said, then he hung up. 

I ran outside and got my rake and bags so I was all ready to kick the leave's asses! But then I started thinking.

What if the leaves are happy where they are and don't want to be moved? Maybe when they fall they're in their ultimate happy place! I was totally going to start yelling at Tony right about now, when Canadia and his little bear arrived.

"HEY DUDE!" I said excitedly, jumping off my porch, rake in hand.

"And you brought the little Kuma-whatsit! That's cool! He can hang with Tony! TOOOONYYYYYY!"

Sure enough my alien pal heard my call and came out. When he saw who Canadia was with, he started to go inside. I don't think he and Kuma get along well.

"Hey!" I had to chase him inside to talk to him. "Listen up bro. I need you to play nicely with Kuma, just until I'm done with the leaves"

Tony shook his head.

"I'll give you some of the new sour cream and onion potato chips" I offered. 

Tony mad a 'gimme' gesture.

"Ok, all of the chips" 

he nodded.

Soon the little bros were off, hopefully playing nicely and it was only me and Canadia.

We raked quickly, and we were done before I could even think of the leave's happiness again. We were all happy and stuff, but when we got in the house, destruction met us.

Well, not exactly. Destruction's not a person. What we did see was Tony chasing Kuma with a weird alien ray gun.

"Hey!" I yelled. "If I stick to the no using guns in the house rule, you do too!"

After that was sorted out, we figured out that Kuma touched Tony's rock collection.

Tony would die for his rocks, so it must have pissed him off. 

I don't think that Kuma will be coming back for a while though. He seemed pretty scared. So that was the end of that. I raked my leaves, got rid of boredom, and gained a cool new hole in the wall!

 

So that's it for today Dudes! Hope you enjoyed...

(Tony's edit: Hey America! You ate all the cookies!)

Oh hi Tony...

(Tony's edit: You'd better go buy more!)

No! If you want them so badly, get them yourself! Anyways....Tony that is so not a real death crab shell!

Tony?

Tony!

(Tony's edit: Be afraid!) 

Well I'm going to go buy more cookies now. So...

(Tony's edit: NOW!)

Ok Ok! Wait for the next chapter and such! Bye!

(Tony's edit: So that's the end of this chapter. Feel free to comment and tell us how we're doing!) 

I forgot my wallet! Wait you're ending the chapter without me!?

(Tony's edit: Goodbye everyone!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so three chapters! If you really want to hear about something, or want me to make a specific list, I'll totally do it! All you gotta do is comment!


	4. Stereotypical American Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS IN A NUT SHELL! OR A NUT CRACKER! HAHAHAHAHA! I'M HILARIOUS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy this. This is entertainment only, Don't take this stuff as what must happen. Hanukkah, Ramadan and Kwanzaa are totally awesome too! (If i didn't name a holiday you celebrate, I'm sure it's awesome too!)

WHAT'S UP GUYS!!!! it is December, and usually December means holidays! (It may not be December when you read this, but it's December when I'm writing this so...I'm gonna say it's December!) 

If December does not mean Holidays, it probably means snow, and if not snow, really really cold-ness, and now I'm rambling. This had a point, I swear it did...

(Tony's edit: *Cough* December 25 *Cough*) 

OH YEAH! I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT A STEREOTYPICAL AMERICAN CHRISTMAS!!!!

So dudes, Christmas is my favorite holiday, (Aside from July fourth...) And I love this Holiday! If you don't celebrate Christmas, I'm 99.9% sure you celebrate some holiday, so, if you do celebrate an awesome different holiday, CELEBRATE IT FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH!!!!

Anyways, back to this, I'm gonna outline the stereotypical american Christmas for you! 

Really, the Celebration starts a week before Thanksgiving, which is awesome too! So the stores totally ignore Thanksgiving and go right ahead and put up Christmas displays and start the countdown. Usually no one cares and just wants to make it through Thanksgiving

If you guys have been to your average Walmart, you know that they decorate around November 17th or even a little bit earlier. And yet again no body really cares and we're all hyped on feeding our faces on Thanksgiving.

(Tony's edit: We get it. Thanksgiving is cool. But this is about Christmas)

And suddenly, BAM Thanksgiving is magically over and it's suddenly December. We feel the urge to deck the halls like madmen. 

Let me go into more detail.

A certain American dude who we shall not name got up at four A.M on December 1st and started to play 'Deck the halls' and indeed, began to deck the halls. He got all of his Christmas stuff out and laid it all out in his living room. He then decided that he did not have enough things and went to the store, realized the store was not open, and went back to his home to make do with what he had.

Step one was the crap ton of tinsel he had. This normally super chill dude became a Christmas drill sergeant and made sure that every little piece of tinsel was in the perfect place. Same goes for the lights, and all the wreaths. This guy hardcore decorated until 8:00 A.M December 2nd. Then he finally went to the store and bought more stuff he totally didn't need, but he really wanted his house to basically beat Christmas Spirit in being Christmas-y. THAT'S HOW HARDCORE HE WAS!!

So the dude goes to the store and buys about 500 dollars worth of random Christmas stuff he honestly doesn't need and goes to town with it. He even decorates...AN ALIEN!

(Tony's edit: You so did not need to buy a tiny reindeer costume and force me into it.)

But that dude thought the alien looked freakin' awesome in his reindeer suit and left him in it. So the dude finished decking his halls around December 4th and was totally wiped out and slept until December 6th.

The guy wakes up, looks at his awesome Christmas-ness, but feels as if something is missing. He wonders what it is...AND THEN REALIZES THAT HE IS STUPID AND FORGOT A CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

The guy jumps out of bed, runs outside, forgets that he is in only his american flag boxers and that its freezing outside, yells, and gets dressed, runs outside, and goes to the Christmas tree farm. 

The Christmas tree farm is very large and full of...CHRISTMAS TREES! Now the average not-super-serious-about-Christmas guy would be totally overwhelmed, but this dude knows just what to do!!

He walks around the farm, looking at each tree, and analyzing with three things. How Many Ornaments Can I Fit, How Many Presents Will Fit Underneath, and the commonly forgotten, Will It Fit In My House. After this dude finds the perfect tree, he drags it home, and sets in in just the perfect place.

(Tony's edit: And he forgets to clean up the pine needles. When the poor little alien comes into the room, the pine needles stick all over him because of his alien skin!!) 

For a second the dude thought there was a porcupine in the room with him, but it was the alien. After the dude de-needled his buddy, the pair went to work decorating the tree. While decorating the rest of the house is a scared, must-be-perfect ritual for this dude, decorating the tree is a more calm fun type of thing. The best feeling is when the dude and his alien plug in the Christmas tree together and admire their work. 

(Tony's edit: Nothing like it) 

Then they stare at it for a bit, and then they watch whatever Christmas movie is on at the time. Then they sleep. 

 

So, there's decorating. Now this random unnamed dude...IS ACTUALLY ME! I'll bet no one saw that coming.

(Tony's Edit: I'll bet someone did) 

Shut it you! anyways, we've gone over decorating, next step is baking cookies!

So the first step is going back to the store and buying some supplies.

May I remind you, it is December, and stores have become madhouses. You can play nice and all but some jerk will push by you and buy the last thing of cookie dough and you're standing in the middle of the cooking isle wondering what went wrong in your life. 

BUT, we're not dwelling on that. After you survive the madness known as the store, you're all set to drive home to your alien, WHO HAS NOT GOTTEN OFF THE COUCH ALL DAY!!!

(Tony's edit: Don't hate me cause you're better at shopping)

Yeah right. You're still scarred from the time we went to Costco and the manager called pest control.

(Tony's edit: Scary scary exterminators. Ugh...)

Anywho, after you've woken up the alien from his sixth nap that day, you get all your freshly bought stuff out of the car and put it on the counter. You cannot screw this part up. The crucial-ness of perfectly laid out ingredients...JUST KIDDING!! It doesn't really matter. 

So you mix up all the cookie batter, put it in the oven, yadda yadda, and then...

(Tony's edit: WAIT! You forgot the best part!)

What?...I DID! I forgot all about awesome cookie cutter shapes!

So, let's backtrack a bit, and start here: You have all your dough, and now it's time to put the cookies in to awesome shapes! I am the master of the star and snowman cookie cutters. While I'm making super awesome shapes and such, Tony is making who knows what shapes. 

(Tony's edit: Can't I have my fun?)

Whatever. Now you have all your awesome shapes, NOW they go in the oven, and they cook.

And you have to wait.

A certain American dude couldn't take his eyes off the oven for all three hours the cookies were baking, and once they were done, he did the world's awesomest cookie dance! But that's off topic.

(Tony's edit: I have never seen anyone dab for cookies)

Shut it Tony. Anyways now you have your freshly baked cookies, and it's time to decorate em'! You usually have a few basic colors of frosting, green white and red, but across the table, an alien is trying to invent new colors and it's driving you crazy!!!

So long story short a pretty Christmas tree cookie is sitting next to a potential blueish sea slug-like cookie.

(Tony's edit: Which is the true piece of art, well...)

To stop a long argument, I'm gonna switch topics. There's cookies, ON TO SHOPPING!! 

 

Christmas shopping. On of the most fun and most crazy parts of Christmas.

Some of you guys might be like, America? How do you survive Christmas shopping. 

Well it isn't easy. For one thing, you need to get up super freakin' early, so you can get to the store on time, but there is one more step.

You can map it out.

So dudes, you get some paper and some crayons, because crayons are awesome, and you start making a list. The things you need to consider are what stores you like, what the best route is to get to it, and so on. 

After you complete your careful hours of planning, you prepare to go to the store. Ideal time is approximately 11:50 Pm, so you're going to need a tent so you can sleep in front of the store. You also need a good answer if someone asks why you're sleeping outside of a store.

So let's say that you successfully slept until the store opened, and that you're in. Hopefully you have your list ready, so you can start speed shopping. Sure you have the store all to yourself right now, but before you know it, all sorts of people show up.

After those guys show, it's a battle! The worst part is the check out line, and a few desperate people might run you over trying to get out of the store, but let's say you made it out of the store. YOU HAVE SURVIVED!! You can live with this accomplishment your whole life....

Unless you're lazy like Tony and go ONLINE shopping. 

(Tony's edit: The second I saw you come home with wheel tracks on your face, I knew I made the right choice)

I have nothing to say to you sir! So let's switch topics! 

(Tony's edit: Oh! I have the PERFECT thing!)

Alright Tony! Take it away!!!

TONY'S LETTER TO SANTA!!

Dear "Santa" as that is what I believe the humans call you.  
Let's get serious here. The charade you've put up for these earthlings is incredible! A big fat man in a red suit?! What a clever way to hide all your arms! I know you're an alien! There's no logical explanation for how one man can get around the whole world in one night! And the letters! They always get to you because of all the hidden teleporters in the mail boxes! To put it in short terms, I'm writing to tell you how much I marvel your ability to rise to such a position of power in this spinning mudball we're stuck on. I love how you disguised your UFO as a flying sleigh! Genius! What kind of alien reindeer-like creatures do you use? I'd like to know. They're very convincing. Also, the beard! Are you hiding tentacles or were you not born with those. What kind of alien are you? You seem to make a very convincing human! Also, what's your alien name? Santa sounds ridiculous, no offence. Also, why cookies? You have humans in the palm of your hand. You could ask for gourmet food! I see a wasted opportunity here. Also, what are your elves? Are they seriously elves or a different species? I would like to know. Also what's with this whole, "See you when you're sleeping thing? Do you have a third eye or are you just psychic? I would like it if you could write me back with the answers to all my questions. My teleporter number is "866-34q-xx1" And while I'm at it, I would like Malibu barbie, Princess barbie, and the barbie fashionista pack. I'm not crazy, Barbies just make good damsels in distress for my favorite game: Alien abduction. Also I would like a new Ken doll. Ken dolls #1-12 have already been crushed by the alien abducting their girlfriends.  
From Tony 

(Tony's edit: DO NOT JUDGE ME FOR MY VIEWS!)

How could you think that way Tony!

(Tony's edit: I am a free thinker and will think...FREELY!) 

There is no way Santa is an alien!

(Tony's edit: What? Oh. I thought you were talking about the barb..never mind)

How could you say Santa is an alien?!

(Tony's edit: Well how can you prove he's not)

Because he's magic!!!

(Tony's edit: Prove it) 

Alright then, then I'll break out a few entries from this!!

AMERICA'S SANTA-TRAPPING DIARY!!! 

Entry one: five years ago

Ok dudes, we're gonna see how this goes. I've set up some super awesome traps to catch the most elusive man in the world! SANTA CLAUS!! 

So, here's tonight's layout. I put a tripwire connected to a bell right in front of the fireplace. Santa will trip, making the bell ring, signalling me and I will jump out of a genious hiding place and capture Santa! Somehow!

Entry 2: Four years ago

Ok, Santa got away last year because I totally didn't chicken out...well I need to try again! This year i have a brilliant set up of video cameras so I can see when the big guy makes an appearence and I will ask nicely if he will please step into a cage.

Entry 3: Three years ago

Santa got away again last year, because a certain American dude fell asleep, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER! This year I have an even better trap! I dug a pit in the living room! If that won't catch Santa I don't know what will!

 

Entry 4: Two years ago

Santa must be lighter then I thought because the living room didn't even look touched at all! The pit did work though because on Christmas day the tree fell in, but here's a better idea! I got some laughing gas cheap from the dentist and rigged so that when someone enters the living room they get sprayed and they'll pass out! And this year I don't even need to worry about staying awake!

 

Entry 5: One year ago

I forgot all about the laughing gas and sprung the trap myself last year. But here's my best plan yet! I hung a cage over the fireplace and put a tripwire near it so when Santa trips over it, he'll get trapped in a cage. The minute the cage falls an alarm goes off in my room so I'll know if I got Santa or not! Fool proof!

*End of diary*

Fool proof but not Tony proof. He set it off. But how can you deny that Santa isn't magic? He escaped all those brilliant traps!

(Tony's edit: Brilliant. Yes.) 

If you stop commenting, I'll let you write one more thing.

(Tony's edit: Yes! Lemme at it!) 

Alrighty then! Here's....TONY!!

 

Hey guys! It's Tony! so, Christmas is also a bid deal in other place in the galaxy (Santa is an ALIEN!) so here's a Christmas song I learned when I was only a hatchling!

TONY'S ALIEN 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the first day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, a slimebird in a pear tree!

On the second day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, two tortoise ducks and a slimebird in a pear tree!

On the third day of Christmas, my true mate gave to me, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks , and a slimebird in a pear tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the fifth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the sixth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the seventh day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, seven squishsnakes swimming, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the eighth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, eight mooncows self-milking, seven squishsnakes swimming, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the ninth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, nine slapcats dancing, eight mooncows self-milking, seven squishsnakes swimming, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the tenth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, ten werefrogs leaping, nine slapcats dancing, eight mooncows self-milking, seven squishsnakes swimming, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree!

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, eleven comets shooting, ten werefrogs leaping, nine slapcats dancing, eight mooncows self-milking, seven squishsnakes swimming, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks, and a slimebird in a pear tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true mate gave to me, twelve stars a sparkling, eleven comets shooting, ten werefrogs leaping, nine slapcats dancing, eight mooncows self milking, seven squishsnakes swimming, six rat-birds a laying, FIVE ZIRCONIAN BROOCHES!! Four screaming fish, three martian hens, two tortoise ducks...and a sliiiimebiiiird in a peeeaaaar treeeeee!

 

Alright, my fingers are cramping up, so here's America!

 

Hey there dudes! Thank you Tony for that rather weird song! So, It's about time for me to get into telling you a little more about the actual holiday, so here's the scoop on Christmas Eve! 

So the decorations are up, the lights are lit, stockings are hung, cookies are out, all that good stuff. It's Christmas eve, and everyone's all hyped for Christmas the next day, but it's nice to slow down and enjoy the eve of the big night too.

(Tony's edit: If only you'd slow down while eating...)

Hey! Quiet! Anywhatsit, Christmas eve is a good time to get together with family...

(Tony's edit: You never talk to Britain in a polite way)

I said quiet!

(Tony's edit: Or Canada. And you're always calling him "Canadia")

I SAID QUIET!

(Tony's edit: I haven't seen Japan round' much. Someone feeling extra introverted?)

GYAAAAAAAAH! 

Alright Tony! If that's how you wanna play it! I haven't seen any of your alien buddies around!

(Tony's edit: Dude, I'm stranded millions of miles outside of my galaxy.) 

AHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAAHAHHAAAAA!

(Tony's edit: I know a good number for anger management) 

I'M GONNA RAKE YOUR HEAD ACROSS THE KEYBOARD

(Tony's edit: I'd like to see you try)

 

VKGKHFSKHFHhbfljblfdhut[heit[utidg[nci[sifge-=t9w4=y85-u8467eijgpsgjgj;f[ir[0q330t465-yh8d

HEY! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FACE!

(Tony's edit: China's so nice. To think he was wanting to teach someone fighting skills)

YOU!!!!!!!!

 

(Editor's note: Regretfully the two authors, America and Tony got into a rather heated fight involving one of them running into his room and slamming the door, and the other trying to convince him to come out)

Ok dudes, I'm back! 

(Tony's edit: He's finally out of his room!)

QUIET!!! Ok ok, let's not start that again. Let's just name our top gifts that we want for Christmas. 

(Tony's edit: Ok. I want...Um, some questionable items...do not judge...Jeez...)

Oh wait, you want barbies! Hang on, are you responsible for the headless Ken doll under my bed?!

(Tony's edit: ...Maybe...) 

Dude! That gave me nightmares for a week! Uh... anyways, I want...

(Tony's edit: THE CARRIE UNDERWOOD CHRISTMAS ALBUM!!!)

NO!

(Tony's edit: DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEEEAAAR!!!!)

OK OK STOP!!! We clearly need to settle our little argument again. 

(Tony's edit: Bring it) 

In the meantime, all you readers can enjoy this little argument me and Britain had a few days ago.

THE ARGUMENT ME AND BRITAIN HAD!!!

ME: As you dudes all know, this is the last meeting before Christmas of the totally kick ass allies! We don't wanna be working when Santa comes!

BRITAIN: Ahem

ME: And Britain sounds like he's getting pneumonia so maybe he'll be outta my hair for a few days...

BRITAIN: Excuse me

ME: You have been excused!!!!

BRITAIN: What did you call St. Nick?

ME: You mean Santa?

BRITAIN: His name is St. Nick!

ME: Santa!

BRITAIN: St. Nick!

ME: SANTA!

BRITAIN: ST.NICK

ME: SAN...

CHINA: Shut up both of you! Why are you celebrating a fat man flying around the world?

*the sound of me karate chopping China over the head that I don't exactly know how to spell* 

 

And there you have it! As we all know the correct term is Santa and Britain must have something wrong with him...

(Tony's edit: Merry Christmas everyone!)

That's right! This chapter is over! Goodnight!

(Tony's edit: Happy Hannukah, Kwanza, Ramadan...)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS GUYS! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	5. The next awesome chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we're back for more!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All things discussed in this chapter may or may not be real dudes. Be careful 0_0

Ok dudes. Here's how it's gonna go. 

After much pestering, begging, whining and a rather scary experience with a space blaster, I have decided to let Tony take over this chapter. 

(Tony's edit: Dang right you have! YEEEEEEE!)

Ok, I get it. You're excited.

(Tony's edit: YEEEEEEEEEE!) 

Now dudes. I have no idea what Tony's gonna tell you, so I'd be very afraid if i were you. 

(Tony's edit: I swear on my honor that I will be good) 

Now if you hear anything about, uh a certain blond dude talking to a picture of Carrie Underwood, DO NOT BELIEVE IT!"

(Alright, whatever. GIMMEE!" 

DO NOT BELIEVE! HEygkggg! I'm not done yet! sjfgj;gjd;oq! Don't gjgpegegu Believe! dgjpetwwugj

 

IIIIT'S TONY! :) :) :) Oh wait, here's my alien face. 

(◣ _ ◢)

Do you see it! Wait hold on...

 

(◣_◢)/

/\ /  


/ \

Dancing alien!

Yeah, needs a little work. BUT IT'S SO FUN!

(America's edit: Ok bro. Are you actually going to do stuff?)

Oh yes I am! Now, what I'm about to tell you is of the utmost secrecy, so you need to swear not to tell anybody. Oh wait, one more keyboard image.

 

-+88_  
_+880_  
_++88_  
_++88_  
__+880_________________________++_  
__+888________________________+88_  
__++880______________________+88_  
__++888_____+++88__________+++8_  
__++8888__+++8880++88____+++88_  
__+++8888+++8880++8888__++888_  
___++888++8888+++888888++888_  
___++88++8888++8888888++888_  
___++++++888888888888888888_  
____++++++88888888888888888_  
____++++++++000888888888888_  
_____+++++++000088888888888_  
______+++++++00088888888888_  
_______+++++++088888888888_  
_______+++++++088888888888_  
________+++++++8888888888_  
________+++++++0088888888_  
________++++++0088888888_  
________+++++0008888888_  
________#############_

 

AWESOME RIGHT!

(America's edit: are you going to spend the whole time typing stuff?)

No. Alright. here we go.

You are not alone in your galaxies. 

(America's edit: Yeah, we know. How would you be here if we were alone?)

Well thanks. You just ruined the dramatic-ness. 

(America's edit: that's not a word!)

Ok, could you be quiet?

(America's edit: fine) 

Alright, since my dramatic attempt was ruined, I'm going to go right ahead to my main speech.

You're getting a sneak peek into some of the most crazy and awesome destinations in the universe! Accompanied by my awesome keyboard pictures

(◣ _ ◢)!!!!

Alright, I'm gonna give you the goods on about ten awesome places! here we go!

(◣ _ ◢)(≧◡≦)TONY'S INCREDIBLE GUIDE TO THE UNKNOWN GALAXY!(≧◡≦)((◣ _ ◢)

so you have your basic solar system. Very simple, learned it in school, but then you also know that there are billions of galaxies besides your own. And inside those other galaxies are some of the most incredible places ever.

I should know. I've been there.

Here's number ten for my top places.

10\. Aquila Eridani. 

Aquila Eridani was discovered by a great explorer Eridani, and he named the other half after his wife, Aquila to save his marriage. 

Aquila Eridani is the 16664809.649898098351th galaxy. 

Now how can a galaxy have a decimal you ask, well Aquila Eridani isn't fully there. Yes indeed. At the end of the galaxy there's nothing. Some say it's a black hole, but it's just nothing. I won't elaborate because you humans can't comprehend the full nothingness of the nothingness.

(America's edit: You've so totally lost me)

I know. Here's a few other qualities of Aquila Eridani. 

Aquila Eridani looks a lot like earth. It has more oceans and all the land is is a bunch of islands. The only inhabitants of Aquila Eridani are the Oxofar. They are very simple wombat-like creatures. They only live on islands and feed on fruit. 

they look something like this:  
/\\___/\  
/ / . . \  
\ \ ^ /  
\ / \  
\ /______ \ 

Their colors are different depending on which island they live on. They travel in packs.

(America's edit: Aww! I kind of want one!)

As cute as they seem, they have a hidden venom sack in their ears. When they become frightened (which is often) they spray venom out of their ears.

(America's edit: Nasty)

As for the waters on Aquila Eridani, no one really knows what lives in there. The only explorers have never returned.

So yeah. That's the big AE for you. It's a little boring, but makes for a good relaxing vacation if you know what I mean. But that's all I got for this place. On to number nine!

9\. Proxima Perileos.

This is also known as the danger planet. It lies inside the 546th galaxy. The one on the left that looks like Abe Lincoln's face.

(America's edit: wait what?)

This is not a family safe environment. Do not bring your children. Lock up your dogs...

(America's edit: WE GET IT!!!!)

And your goldfish, and your lucky socks...

(America's edit: WE GET IT!!!!) 

And that T-shirt you never wash...

(America's edit: WE! GET! IT!)

And...and maybe a cheeseburger...

(America's edit: He's losing steam)

Maybe a good book

(America's edit: Hang in there guys)

And a fish because those are nice. Ok, I'm ready to move on.

So, Proxima Perileos. This galaxy is very dangerous.

So you have your basic acid pools, rocks falling wherever you walk, exploding volcanoes, rivers and rivers of poisonous sludge, toxic gasses...you get my drift. 

(America's edit: Hey! That sounds like the dirty bathroom that no one cleans!)

Something like that. Anyways, Proxime Perileos was discovered when a well known alien scientist Xxxx Von XxxXxxX, 

(America's edit: What? That's a name?)

Shut it earthling. I'm giving a history lesson.

So when Von XxxXxxX was conducting a study of the heavily polluted planted known as Earth, he noticed a large blinking star. He zoomed in with his telescope, but when he got a clear view of the beautiful glowing planet, his telescope rays were melted by the gamma rays coming off the planet. 

From that day on, this unknown planet dominated Von XxxXxxX's life. He called her, "The danger beauty" Soon society noticed that this once loved scientist had totally lost his marbles. Completely. Absolutely gone. 

So the aliens wondered, what the heck do we do with this guy? But the crazy scientist already had the answer. He was going to fly out to the new planet and see what it was all about. Every single life force watched Von XxxXxxX depart, but little did they know that this would be Von XxxXxxX's last journey.

No one really knows what happened to him. There are so many dangers on that planet, it's impossible to tell what got him first. But the fascination of the place only sky rocketed. 

Another scientist by the name of wfjagegpdsgirg De Vgjgjsgjrdfju

(America's edit: are you serious)

or Dr. V for short picked up where Von XxxXxxX left off.

(America's edit: This is so weird) 

Your name is Alfred. That would be weird where Dr. V comes from.

(America's edit: EVERYONE'S A CRITIC! AND 40 PERCENT OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE BRITISH CRITICS!)

SHUT IT! I'm still going here. 

So Dr. V one day stumbled into Von XxxXxxX's lab, who ironically was his lifelong hero. Wanting to honor his dead hero Dr. V discovered the maps of the planet his hero had died on. Are you listening now?

(America's edit: Well the word "hero" was in that sentence three times...Alright. I'll listen)

Alright! So most of society had dismissed the strange death of Von XxxXxxX a total accident and claimed that the planet never existed. But now Dr. V had proof. Soon his life was taken over by the mysterious planet. 

It took him three Earth years to construct a rocket that would carry him to the planet, on that was stronger then Von XxxXxxX's

So he strapped a camera with a live feed to his body and landed on the planet.

In the two seconds he was on the planet his body was dissolved by acid, crushed by a rock, and eaten by a creature called a Alianotako. 

It looks like this:

▒▒▄▀▀▀▀▀▄▒▒▒▒▒▄▄▄▄▄▒▒▒  
▒▐░▄░░░▄░▌▒▒▄█▄█▄█▄█▄▒  
▒▐░▀▀░▀▀░▌▒▒▒▒▒░░░▒▒▒▒  
▒▒▀▄░═░▄▀▒▒▒▒▒▒░░░▒▒▒▒  
▒▒▐░▀▄▀░▌▒▒▒▒▒▒░░░▒▒▒▒

(America's edit: Dude. That's you.)

Whoops! Uhh, that's not my dating profile picture. Here's what the creature looks like. 

░▄▄▄▄░  
▀▀▄██►  
▀▀███►  
░▀███►░█►  
▒▄████▀▀

So watching the film the citizens dubbed the planet Proxima Perileos and vowed to stay away from it. 

(America's edit: Dude, you have a dating profile)

Dude, you're still single. 

Anyways, I'm gonna turn this guide to planets into a multi part thing! So this is part one of Tony's Guide to the Galaxy! I'll be back in a few chapters to reveal more secrets!

So anyways, watch out for black holes, don't get abducted, SEE YA NEXT TIME!

──────────────▄▀█▀█▀▄  
─────────────▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀   
─────────────▄─░░░░░▄  
───█──▄─▄───▐▌▌░░░░░▌▌  
▌▄█▐▌▐█▐▐▌█▌█▌█░░░░░▌▌


	6. I WROTE A CHILDREN'S STORY!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY! I LOVE ALL CAPS!

Hey there dudes! I wrote a children's story! Here it is! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I COULD TOTALLY BE AN AUTHOR! 

I don't know why I'm maniacally laughing

 

So I think we’re all familiar with the heartfelt story When you give a mouse a cookie. So I’m sure many of us in our six year old brain zone wonder what would happen if we fed some other animal a cookie? Would it be another adorable story? Or something different all together? I’m here today to tell you one of those stories. Presenting…

If you give an alien a cookie!

So if you give an alien a cookie...So like, hang on a second. So why would you give an alien a cookie? I don’t know. Let’s say you know an alien who wants a cookie. So you’re like, Oh here alien. Have a cookie. But then the alien’s all like Oh I don’t want chocolate chip. I want snickerdoodles. 

So you go to get a snickerdoodle for the alien. So you get a snickerdoodle. But first there’s a huge hassle at the store. There’s only one tray of snickerdoodle cookies and the rest are all chocolate chip. Plus there’s a huge crowd who’s apparently craving snickerdoodle cookies, and you get your face stepped on a few times, but you escape with the cookies tray for the commanding alien. 

So you get home and are all like ‘Oh hey alien. I got you cookies.” But the stupid alien’s all like, I changed my mind. I do want chocolate chip. But I disintegrated all the ones we had. So could you please be a good earthling and go buy more?

So you go on back to the store but it turns out the angry snickerdoodle craving mob has changed their craving to chocolate chip AND THERE’S NO COOKIES LEFT! 

So do you go home and tell the picky alien there’s no cookies? NO! BECAUSE THE ALIEN HAS A SPACE BLASTER! So you don’t want to die do you? So there’s only one option. BAKE EM’ YOURSELF!

So you sprint through the store looking for everything that you use to bake cookies, which is pretty hard considering that you’ve never made cookies before. But after a quick google search you find a recipe and are all set to bake some cookies.

You run home then go into the kitchen really quietly, because the alien is asleep and you don’t want him to know that you’re baking cookies because there have been issues with your cookies in the past. 

So you follow the recipes perfectly, put the cookies in the oven and OH NO! THE COOKIES ARE ON FIRE!!! AHHHHHHH.

After running around the kitchen panicking for a bit, you actually put out the fire and panic some more. What are you going to do! An angry cookie-less alien is going to come after you with a space blaster and the only people with cookies are members of that angry mob and the only way to get cookies is to steal them…

THAT’S IT! 

You’ll steal some cookies from angry cookie lovers! That’s not a bad idea at all! 

And what a coincidence! One of the cookie lovers live right down the street! So you put on your ninja costume! 

Ok, so you don’t really have a ninja costume, you have a black jacket, close to black pants and a black mask from Halloween, but it’s the best you have so it’s your ninja costume!

You march up to the front door, BUT YOU DON’T RING THE DOORBELL! Ha! Ninjas never ring the doorbell! Ninjas climb on the roof from the front door!

But you’ve never been a ninja so you end up falling off the roof so you go around to the back and hope that the back door’s unlocked. It is and you sneak inside! 

Ok, where are the cookies? There not over there, or over there...THERE THEY ARE!!! Right by the big...scary...guy. Uh oh. 

So, the big scary guy appears to be asleep. Good! Maybe you stand a chance! Ok, Just sneak on over there and grab the cookie…

You have it! Yeah! Now to sneak out of here before...HE WOKE UP! And he’s not happy to see you with his cookie. It’s time to run...OH NO! HE’S GOT YOU!

As you’re beat up by the random stranger you think “I HOPE YOUR HAPPY ALIEN!” (As it turned out the alien was still asleep) 

So after getting kicked, punched and thrown out of the house, you return home cookieless. The alien is going to be very disappointed, but you’re tired and possibly have a broken rib so too bad alien!

When you get home it smells like cookies. WHY COOKIES! CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!

You’re all like, HEY ALIEN! I’M HOME! But of course he doesn’t care and...what’s this? He’s coming out? HE HAS SOMETHING IN HIS HANDS! Oh no! He has a space blaster! You’re going to die...wait. Are those cookies?   
Alien? What the heck are you doing? 

So the alien wasn’t sleeping! He was baking cookies...SO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO ON THE QUEST FOR COOKIES! You’re lucky I don’t use a space blaster on you alien! You say. 

But then the alien’s all like, don’t kill me. You don’t have any other friends and you’re all like, Yes I do! You just never see them! 

Before an epic war of you VS alien can break out, the alien holds out the tray of cookies. A peace offering? 

The alien says, Oh here earthling. Have a cookie. And you take one because you’re exhausted and probably need medical attention...Say alien! These are really good! What kind are they?

The alien points to the recipe book. You see this delicious cookie is...SLUG AND DEAD SKIN CELLS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALIEN? THAT’S DISGUSTING! 

Not only do you need medical attention, you probably need to call the poison control company now...wait a minute, why is that page in the cookbook falling out…

HEY ALIEN! THIS ISN’T A REAL PAGE! THESE COOKIES ARE ONLY CHOCOLATE CHIP! 

I’m not sure the alien cares that you were almost possibly killed by a cookie. 

The alien hands you more cookies. Oh no! You’re not falling for that again...but they are good...NO! DON’T FALL FOR IT!...but...Whatever! COOKIES!!! 

 

You are now regretting eating sixteen cookies in a row. That was a big mistake. Why is this story called, If You Give an Alien a Cookie anyways? The alien never actually got a cookie. And if he wants one…

He’s just not going to get one. You’re sick of cookies anyways. 

 

(Tony's edit: That's not a children's story. That's the story of last Monday)

 

Whatever Tony. Maybe I should write another story about a smart mouthed alien that gets hit by a baseball bat. Hey! Let's make it nonfiction!

(Tony's edit: HEY HEY HEY! There's no violence in children's books!)

I guess it's back to the drawing board! Until next time my loyal readers!


	7. These chapters need actual names!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo... Summaries are hard.

Hey guys! It America, again AND WE'RE BACK WITH OUR SEVENTH CHAPTER!!!

So I didn't know what to do for today's topic, but then I randomly thought of something so here we go. 

STORY TIME!!! I'm gonna tell a random story! (Do not judge! Random idea!)

So here's the story

 

THE ALLIES VS THE RANDOM GHOST!!! 

So once upon a time, the awesome allies were having a meeting on how to crush the totally not awesome axis dudes. 

The totally awesome dude named America was talking about strategies and all the other allies were listening intently because America's voice is awesome, but all of a sudden Britain the narcissist speaks up... and says, (Imagine an annoying British voice here) "That's nice and all America but here's a better plan I thought of" 

First of all, America was still talking, and two, it's BRITAIN!! So once Britain was done talking about his horrible plan America said something super awesome!

"Dude! That plan is worse then your cooking!"

Britain decided to retaliate. 

"Your plan is nastier then your disgusting greasy junk food!"

"OH YEAH! Your plan...uhhhhhh...IT'S REALLY REALLY BAD!!! TAKE THAT!"

Britain shook his head like he was intelligent or something. "For your information..."

Thankfully he stopped talking. But it wasn't a good reason why he did. 

The door had mysteriously opened on it's own!

So, what did the allies do?

Give me a second to remember

Ummmmm...OH YEAH!

The allies did not lose their cool.

(Tony's edit: If I recall, you started screaming about ghosts and flipped out)

Shut it! I'm telling this story, not you!

(Tony's edit: Well if you're going to tell a story at least use the facts) 

WhatEVER! 

So after the annoying Britain shut down the great America's freakout session...

(Tony's edit: Oh, so freaking out is good now)

Let me rephrase that. After the annoying Britain shut down the great America's freakout session, the great America took the smart mouthed alien's keyboard away. 

(Tony's edit: MY PRECIOUS!!!!!!) 

So the territorial alien hit the road if he wants to keep "his precious" 

 

So I see he's gone. 

So, going back to the story, the allies watched as America freaked out and added their own opinions

Britain: America you bloody dolt! There's nothing there! Don't believe in things that don't exist! Get off the floor!  
China: There's no ghost aru! You are acting stupid aru!  
Russia: There's nothing that can hurt you here (Smiles evilly)  
France: Ohnononononononon  
(America: Why are you laughing?)

So after that conversation America felt like an awesome idiot, confused about laughing, and slightly more terrified of Russia. 

Anyways the meeting went on as usual. Like this:

America: We need a super super awesome biologically engineered hero to go and kick the axis dudes...  
Britain: I think we should send a spy in. Mint bunny will be more than happy to go...  
China: You go with my plan Aru! My plan is better...  
France: Onononononon!...  
Russia: I have plan. We walk up yo the allies and...  
America: ...And we need a really cool logo! Something with aliens and lasers and...  
Britain: ...And when Mint Bunny is in, Uni will serve as a lookout and send up a rainbow symbol if...  
China: ...We take over axis powers and give all the land to me. We can build Chinatown Aru! And then...  
France:...Ononononononon...  
Russia: So we ask nicely if they will stop and then we pay a visit to my friends the nuclear missals and...  
America: ...And then we take global warming and push it over there!  
Britain: ...And Mint bunny and I ride off on Uni into the sunset!  
China: ...So once we make profit with Chinatown we put all proceeds to manufacturing and China takes all the money Aru!  
France: ...Onononononononon!  
Russia: And once axis powers are dead in their graves we have vodka party!  
America: So it's settled!  
Britain: Yes lovely plan!  
China: China approves aru!  
France: Onononon!  
Russia: *Smiles evily*  
America: Dude, why are you laughing?

So the awesome allies were about to go home, WHEN A CHAIR MOVED! ALL BY ITSELF!

"OH MAN! GHOSTS ARE REAL DUDES!"

"That's rediculus America! Nothing's there! Right Mint bunny?"

"OH NO! THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BUNNY! Oh wait. That's supposedly there all the time."

"Mint bunny is clearly real!"

During the dramatic argument the chair moved once more.

"Maybe America is right for once aru" China said.

"Yeah That's right...FOR ONCE!?" 

"Let's all calm down" Russia said. "There's nothing here..."

Then a ghostly voice said "Hey! I'm here too!"

"OH NO! THE GHOST TALKS! IT TALKS! IT TALKS!"

"America calm down! There;s nothing here!"

"Oh yes there is! I'll prove it!"

The other allies were unfazed. They were used to the Great America and stupid Britain fighting.

America took a stack of papers and threw them at the "ghost" 

"Hey! Why are you throwing papers at me?" said a voice. 

"AHA!" America said. "I threw papers at ghost. I'M SO FREAKIN' TALENTED!"

"I can throw things to!" Britain said. He threw paperweights until he heard an "Ow!"

"See America? I threw paperweights. I'm more talented"

"Oh this is so totally war!"

America threw a stapler, Britain threw a handful of pens. America threw an eraser, Britain threw rock hard scones. America threw scissors, Britain threw tea cups. America threw Tony's limited edition ceramic satellite model... 

(Tony's edit: WHAT????!!!!!)

Um *cough cough* Anyways you got the idea. So America continued to throw stuff

(Tony's edit: YOU BROKE MY LIMITED EDITION CERAMIC SATELLITE MODEL!?)

No. That was someone else. Anyways, the other allies were slightly freaked out by this, seeing now that America was right, THAT'S RIGHT! HE WAS RIGHT!, and that there actually was a ghost. 

(Tony's edit: You broke my model)

Again, that was someone else. Not the innocent saint America.

(Tony's edit: Since when are you a saint?)

Since two seconds ago. 

Anyways the allies were good and freaked out, but America was good and freaked out, but super happy he was right! But still scared. 

So the allies were about to bravely run away, when a strange white bear walked into the room.

(Tony's edit: No! Not him!) 

Whatever happened to the quiet alien? Anyways the little white bear was all like "Who are you?" 

America was all like "I'm the super awesome hero dude America! Who are you?"

"There you are Kumajiro!" The ghost said. Then the allies realized what was going on.

"Oh hi Canadia! Sorry for throwing stuff at you!"

"I'm Canada!"

 

So there was no ghost. The End!

(Tony's edit: I bet I could write a way better story then that)

Oh yeah? Prove it!

(Tony's edit: Ok. I will)

 

Tony's story takeover!

Once upon a time, there was a school. It wasn't a very interesting school. It had brick walls, and small windows. And no Air conditioning. 

Anyways, all the students didn't particularly mind school, except for one class.

Science.

There was a super evil kid named...Alfred.

(America's edit: This is a revenge plot isn't it)

Now Alfred got on the bad side of the teacher, Professor, um...Tony!

(America's edit: This is so totally a revenge plot)

Now let me tell you about the amazing professor Tony! Professor Tony was a pretty good teacher, his best lessons were astronomy.He knew the galaxies so well it was like he was from another planet...DUN DUN DUNNN!!!

(America's edit: I think I know where this is going)

So one day, Alfred the super bad annoying kid broke something on Professor Tony's desk. It was a...oh, I don't know. CERAMIC SATELLITE MODEL?

So Alfred broke this very very precious model and when Professor Tony questioned him about it, Alfred was like, "No, I didn't break it. That was someone else"

Professor Tony waited until Alfred thought he was in the clear. He called Alfred to his office. 

Once the oblivious Alfred was in his office Professor Tony took off his human suit...AND SUCKED OUT HIS BRAINS!! 

He was an alien! Alfred's brain dead body was shown to the other students so they knew to never ever break anything belonging to Professor Tony. The End.

 

Ok. It's America again. Tony, you can't really suck out brains can you?

(Tony's edit: You don't know do you)

Well I'm just gonna leave...

(Tony's edit: Well, that's the end of this chapter. Hope you enjoyed!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seventh chapter! Wow! Thanks for reading and see you next time!


	8. Rivalries!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A grudge as large as space itself. Hatred as rock hard as scones. Yes indeed ladies and gents! It's time for...TONY VS BRITAIN!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup my loyal readers! I think it's time that this fic gets more kudos, so if you're liking this hero awesomeness do me a favor and leave a kudos!

WELCOME TO HETALIA VS!!!!

I'm your host Alfred Jones, Or America, Or That Dude With The Awesome Hair, or The Hero, or The Master Of Burgers or...

I'm getting distracted! Anyways, It was brought to my attention that two characters in my life are having a war. Those two are...TONY AND BRITAIN!!!

(Tony's edit: That's ridiculous. I like Britain like someone likes appendicitis, I mean, he's great) 

AHA! So you do hate him!

So my loyal readers, Here's how this chapter's playing out. I'll be telling about three times Britain and Tony butted heads and you get to decide who won! Here we go! Scenario one!

(Tony's edit: This is stupid.)

IT IS NOT!!!!! 

Now, Aliens come with space blasters. It's a fact of life.

(Tony's edit: Stop right there my stupid earthling companion. Just a space blaster? My precious baby is a hyper claw death synced model X!)

That made no sense Tony. Continuing on!

So aliens have space blasters, or hyper claw death sync model X thingy. Unfortunately there is no protocol for not using the space blaster. 

Here are three things that Tony has used his space blaster for that have ended in disaster. 

1\. Microwaving a frozen burrito  
It exploded and we had to clean beans of the ceiling for four hours.  
2\. Turning off the TV  
Ok, so that one might have been an accident. I guess Tony just hit the trigger on his space blaster and it blew up the TV. I guess it did turn off though.  
3\. Shooting Britain in the head  
And that is the issue that I'm talking about now. 

 

So once upon a time Britain came to my house to judge its cleaness (And let me just say it was a battle I was destined to lose. My clothes just like it better on the floor.)

"America how do you live like this? What the...Are those beans on the ceiling?" 

Well I never said we cleaned up all the beans. 

"Well dude, there was a little incident with a burrito and my man Tony...where is the little bro?"

Britain never saw it coming. Tony who was cleverly hidden behind the couch, pulled the trigger and...

SHHHIIIKABLAMBLOOIEBLOOIEBLOOIE!!!

(Tony's edit: Hey, not a bad sound imitation) 

Britain was down!! And Tony was cursing the world because he forgot to set the blaster to "vaporize" 

(Tony's edit: So close and yet so far) 

Shut it you. You were in big trouble. 

Anyways, your's truly was freaking out." 

"AAAAGH! BRITAIN! He was so young...Tony! Do you have the funeral parlor's number!"

"I'm still alive you twit! Call an ambulance!" 

I tried. I really did. But there were so many things to get distracted with.

"Ooh! Pizza! Tony! Do you want me to order you pizza?" 

"AMERICA!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!" 

"Yeah yeah. Keep your fancy British top hat on. Let's see. 9-1...7-6-5-7-8-4!!! Hello? Red white an blue pizza? I'll have my usual...oh and go extra on the olives on the flying saucer special pie."

"AMERICA!!!"

"Ok ok!. Just deliver it. I have to call an ambulance because my alien shot a Brit in the head. No, I'm not kidding. Bye!!" 

The 911 phone call didn't go much better.

"Hello? Hi! I need an ambulance. My alien shot my friend in the head. No I'm not kidding. Can you hurry up? My friend is bleeding out."

I waited and said things like "hold on Britain" and "If you see a light, don't go into it, and if you do, can I have your house?"

Finally the doorbell rang. 

"Hey! Britain! The pizza's here!"

"YOU ORDERED PIZZA!!!"

"Alright Joe. Here you go. Seventeen dollars. Oh don't mind the dying man on the floor over there. How about I give you a tip to not say anything?"

About two minutes after Joe left, the ambulance arrived and Britain was fine. But Tony wasn't finished. 

Onto Scenario two!!! 

 

Aliens are exceptionally good drivers. I think it has to do with the fact that they grow up flying spaceships. 

A few days after Britain was released from the hospital, he came back over to my house to "kick the bloody extraterrestrial." 

I didn't know where Tony was, and I also didn't know where my car keys were. That should have been a sign.

As we walked into the street calling for Tony, the new Ford came barreling down the driveway, hit Britain, and drove into a fence. 

Tony jumped out and went back into the house like nothing happened.

 

I mourned over the loss of the Ford while Britain yelled at me to call an ambulance. 

He died.

Not Britain. He was fine once the full body cast was removed. My car was not fine. 

 

Our final scenario is this. 

Tony used his brand new teleporter ray to teleport Britain into a box and ship him to Atlantis. 

All I saw was Tony carrying a large screaming box. First I thought someone from Tony's planet had sent a care package, but then the screaming box used lots of angry British words. 

"Tony"

"..."

"Tony I know you know English. What are you doing?" 

"Using your wonderful american postal system?" 

"Nice try with the sugar coating, but who's accent would we make fun of if he's gone?"

"China's"

With that Tony opened his Porta-portal and Britain was not seen for three days.

 

So there's round one of verses!!! Once again I'm Alfred Jones your host!!!! I hope to see you next time!!!!

(Tony's edit: you still have no proof of these things)

Yeah sure. Don'y you have some new space blaster thingy to play with?

I hope you liked this!! I'll be back soon!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And scene! This is getting long fast! I'm either going to do more verses or Tony's guide to the galexy part two next chapter! Bye!!


	9. America's lists part 2!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some more lists for your personal enjoyment :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see I'm finally finishing up some broken chapters! Go me!

Hey guys! We're back and I have something awesome planned! 

So I found this thing you can do with your buddy where you say one sentence of a story and your friend says the next part! Tony! Let's try it!!

I'll start. Once upon a time there were two...people

(Tony's edit: And then they got abducted by aliens and died. The End)

Well I see that he's in a lovely mood. What will I do for this chapter...

Got it!!

AMERICA'S TOP TEN LISTS PART 2!!!

Told ya there'd be more! Here we go!

Ten things to do with a sarcastic alien

10\. Yell dramatically, THIS IS A SARCASTIC ALIEN! then walk out of the room

9\. Get in a sarcastic fight and see who is more sarcastic

8\. Politely say " please stop being sarcastic"

7\. If he doesn't stop pretend he doesn't exist. 

6\. If he makes it impossible to ignore him, stare at him until he becomes uncomfortable

5\. Yell a random word like "FISH" and see how he reacts.

4\. Ask him, where do aliens come from

3\. Start telling a really boring story until he leaves

2\. Start being really dramatic about the first thing you see (THE TV REMOTE IS GONE!!! How will I ever go on????)

1\. Leave. He's being sarcastic and it's annoying

So there's list one for this chapter! I'm gonna try and knock out five, because five sounds like a good number so, here's list number two!

I might as well do this. Tony update: he's drawing a picture of a human getting vaporized by an alien. (The human looks like me and the alien looks like him. Yikes)

Hey tony! Any chance you're in a good mood now?

(Tony's edit: No. Go die) 

Jeez Tony! And no! I will not die! I'm very much alive!! AHAHAHAHAHA!! I am president of the amazing! ...

I feel lonely. Tony, be my friend again. 

(Tony's edit: Clingy earthling)

mean Alien

(Tony's edit: Welcome back buddy!) 

Yay! Friend! And now it's time for list two!

Ten stupid things to do

10\. Putting your lips on a pot that's boiling potatoes

9\. Putting a magnet up to the new TV

8\. Seeing how high you can throw a brick in the air

7\. Drink water out of a puddle

6\. Eat sticks and grass

5\. Iron your shirt while you're still wearing it

4\. try to trick yourself into not breathing

3\. Stapling your finger to see what will happen

2\. Biting a light bulb

1\. peeing in the backyard. 

 

So my friends, don't do these things

(Tony's edit: But you've already done all of these...)

*Cough cough* THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT TONY *Cough cough* 

And on to list three! Again, I recommend not ironing your shirt while you're wearing it, no matter how much faster it might get ironing done. And now list three

Ten things to do with a potted plant

10\. Rip it out by the roots and become a plant killer

9\. Yell at it because it's a plant, and it can't yell back

8\. Find it a wife and three lovely kids

7\. Hold a wedding service for your plant and alien

6\. Dress up the plant and say "you got dat swag plant!" 

5\. Create national plant day and give your plant a gift

4\. Hold a business meeting with your plant

3\. Accuse your plant of murder

2\. Name him Joe

1\. Give him super fancy sunglasses and draw a snazzy tie on his pot and say "Whassup Joe!?" Every time you walk in a room

 

How'd you all like that one?! I'm on a roll so let's move right on to list four

 

Ten things to do with a rock with a face on it

10\. Make it's face more dramatic

9\. Say some good rock pickup lines (Are you Dwayne Johnson? Because you're rock solid!)

8\. Complain about life to it

7\. Offer it some coffee, and then act all betrayed when it says nothing

6\. Have it save the world

5\. Have it fail in saving the world

4\. Throw it at a window

3\. Give it some glasses and say that it's an over evolved species

2\. Go to war with some other rocks and call your rock General Rockington

1\. Start the United States of Indepebbles, because who doesn't love a good democracy! (Actually I can name lots of people)

Last list my friends! Here..we...go!!!

And I'm out of ideas. Tony? Anything?

(Tony's edit: It's alien time! I have a list. If you'll allow me to use the main keyboard...)

Fine. Here.

 

Final list Tony style! Stupid things earthlings do.

(America's edit: WHAT?!)

10\. Turn on a chainsaw while they're holding it between their legs

9\. Riding a bike through sand 

8\. Playing with a flamethrower indoors

7\. Baiting alligators

6\. Putting an electrical socket in a pool

5\. Starting a petition to make China the 51st state so they get better access to Chinese food

4\. Drink bleach to see if it will cleanse their insides

3\. Create a space program to look for extraterrestrials. If we want to be found, we'll let you know.

2\. Wear a belt around their heads

1\. Make a shrine to digital clocks

Aren't earthlings stupid....

 

Alright, it's America once more. I need to stop an alien from ruining earth's rep.

(Tony's edit: Could someone stop NASA? We don't need you clumsy humans in our space. Get it? Space? NASA's a space program? HaHAAAAAAA!!!!)

Ok, I think it's time to end this chapter. Hope you enjoyed and I'll see you all next time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading dudes!!


	10. My pets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is not the only creature roaming the house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains whales

HEY GUYS!!! How's it going?

Anyways, I'm writing another chapter, and I was going to call it Tony's jealousy issues, but he'd get mad at me.

(Tony's edit: I don't have jealousy issues)

Sure you do! You're jealous of my pets!

(Tony's edit: I am not) 

The fact that you keep saying you're not jealous only proves that you are jealous

(Tony's edit: Go die in a flipping hole)

JEALOUS! And where would I find a flipping hole? Those sound rare. 

Anyways, all you readers are probably wondering who Tony's jealous of.

(Tony's edit: NOT jealous)

Animal numero uno!: Whale! (So my whale's name is Whale. There's a door where you can leave haters!)

Alright. How do I describe Whale. Well, he's a whale, he's a very nice whale, and get this! I met the guy in Japan!

Cool right?

So once upon a time, I was told to go "Make friends" while I was visiting Japan, and I went to go make friends, and instead of making human friends, I met a whale and he became my friend.

Britain was not impressed, but he has a supposed "flying mint bunny" which I doubt exists. I mean, come on, why have I never seen it? So Britain says my alien is weird...

(Tony's edit: excuse me, but how do you know you're not my earthling? I could own you and you wouldn't even know it.)

Ah ah ah! No slavery where I live! FREEDOM! YEAH!!! Anyways, Britain says the alien is weird, but he's always talking to nothingness so who's insane?

Wait, I lost my train of thought.

(Tony's edit: it was abducted by aliens) 

Cool! 

Anyways, Whale doesn't look like most whales and was kinda unhappy all alone since whales like pods. There was an easy solution. Let him live in my pool!!! 

Yessireebob! Whale is much happier in my pool with Tony for company. It also seems to like Lithuania. No idea why. When Lithuania was here and paying attention to whale, Tony would come out of nowhere and beamed the guy up into his spaceship. Come to think of it, Tony likes Lithuania a lot too. Why? I mean, Lithuania's great but I'm better!!! Yay! 

Anyways, Whale enjoys long swims by the beach, putting on whale shows for my friends and squirting Tony with water. You'd think the two would be enemies but I have come home to see Tony playing "King of the sea" with Whale being the noble steed. My, wait sorry, the alien is strange. 

Let's see. What else about Whale? He talks like AWEEOOOOOOOO!!!! and WOOOAWWWEEEE! and EEEEEEEAAAWWW! and other whale noises. I gave the allies an imitation of whale. Here was their reactions.

Britain: America! I don't care what your whale sounds like! Can we please get this meeting started! (Me: But I'm the leader of the allies, and I say we make whale sounds!)

France: Onononononononon! This whale of yours. He is single no? (Me: Dude. We are talking about a whale, and I'm sure he was asking me to feed him, not making a mating call) 

China: This whale is sick aru? (Me: No! He sounds like that all the time! My whale noise might sound like a dying whale sound though...)

Russia: When you make whale steak, let me know. I have good recipe (Me: WHAT! You guys clearly don't understand what one does with a whale!)

This eventually lead to my creating international appreciate and not mate with or cook the whales day. My ally buddies clearly have much to learn on the topic of whales. 

 

Tonyyyyyyy!!!! why do you like Lithuania so much? I wanna know now!

(Tony's edit: From Whale to Lithuania? Random much?)

I guess. Why do you like Lithuania? 

(Tony's edit: I'll have to tell you later. Tony, king of the sea and his loyal steed Whale must protect the ocean of Pool from evil seafaring aliens!)

Ok then. Not weird at all. I guess I'll tell you about another creature while Tony's off playing pretend. And since when is Tony the king of the seas?

I also have a pet cat. It's name is Cat. (I'm sorry. With all my awesome hero ally leader duties I don't have time to name my pets. Tony came with a name) 

Cat is white, and she's fluffy, and adorable, and knows how to open the front door. (I don't know how. I didn't think cats had thumbs. Maybe they hide them. Maybe someday the world will be taken over by cats with thumbs. That's a little scary)

I don't think Cat wants to take over the world. I guess she might want me to give her salmon more often, and maybe actually name her, but I don't think she'll take over the world. 

I don't think Tony's jealous of Cat. (I could call her Kitty. That sounds a little more like a name) all Kitty really does is sleep, but then there's usually that one random time when she goes tearing through the house scratching up everything. Why does she do that? People also say that cats are possibly superior to everything. I swear that Kitty thinks I'm being stupid a lot of the time, and she's the queen of the world. 

One time, me and Tony were having us a super epic toga party in the living room, and I mean super awesome. We tied belts around our heads and tie dyed our togas the colors of the American flag and listened to Stevie Nicks! (I don't know why we did this, but it was fun!)

When we were putting together a dance routine, Kitty just gave us this look. That look just said "You guys are stupid! Very stupid! Haha! That's funny how much better I am then you. How about you do something worthwhile and feed me peasant? Does that sound good? It does stupid human! I'm going to start purring now and act all cute. And while you're serving me, clean my litter box"

Cats are the divas of the universe. 

Welp, that's all I have to say about Kitty. Hey Tony, done playing yet?

(Tony's edit: It's not playing, and no. I'm not done. It's just getting good. The valiant sea king Tony and the noble Whale must protect the land of pool from the evil Princess Purrington!)

And now I see that Kitty's getting in on some of the sea king action. Should I be concerned my alien has a better imagination then I do? Nah! Onto the next animal!

 

When I was just a little dude, my first ever pet was a bunny names Usa. (Get it? Usa? U.S.A? WORD PLAY!!!)

Usa is this little brown and white bunny, and my best friend when I was a wild little America-ling. He's chubby and very lazy. He likes getting his ears scratched though. 

The way his little rabbit mind works is interesting. He likes to eat, sleep, and watch Easter specials on TV even when it's not Easter. He also likes to bite. 

He likes to bite everything. 

Here's what was probably going through his little rabbit mind when I brought him to an ally meeting.

Ooh! What's this? Where am I? I was put in a little carrier and now I'm in a new place! Wow! Magic! Ooh! Who's that! He has big eyebrows, and he's yelling at America for bringing a rabbit to a meeting. A rabbit?! Where? Oh wait, I'm a rabbit. Oh I know who this is! It's Britain! He's petting me now! Ahhhhhh. That's the right spot. Ooh! Who are those people! There's a big scary guy with a scarf, and a guy with a panda, and a...I think it's a guy. I don't know. This person has long blond hair. Oh well. I'm bored. I want to bite something. Ooh! There's Britain's hand! I...WANT...TO...BITE...IT! Yay! I bit it! Britain's yelling now. I'm going to go into my carrier and pretend nothing happened...after I bite that chair.

Oh yes. My strange little rabbit gave Britain quite the bite mark. I'll tell you a little more about Usa.

When I was about as tall as a fire hydrant and Britain left me alone while he went out, I played with Usa the whole time. Some days I was the fearless Rabbit tamer, or I was the owner of the one rabbit circus. I had interesting adventures. And good ol Usa is still around. 

Wait a sec, how old is Usa? Jeez. He's doin' pretty well. What the...

Ok I just saw Usa hop by with a little wooden sword tied to him, and Tony laying on the ground covered in ketchup. Tony! That was my good ketchup! And why does Usa have a tiny sword! EXPLANATION NOW!

(Tony's edit: The valiant sea king Tony was killed by the evil Sir Hops-a-lot, who works for Princess Purrington! Now the brave and noble Whale must search for the death reverse spell and bring the king back!)

...Ok. Are all my pets getting in on this action...Tony, Usa can't get the sword off himself and now he's stuck in the vegetable drawer in the fridge...who opened the fridge!?

(Tony's edit: Uh, the brave sea king needed the bok choy of destiny to save the world) 

Can you go get Usa out of the vegetables?

(Tony's edit: Sorry. I'm dead)

He says as he types on his keyboard, adding his dialogue to this chapter! Aliens. What can you do?

(Tony's edit: Lithuania would save the rabbit for me)

LITHUANIA?! No! Lithuania is not part of this! He's not even here! Now go save the poor rabbit

(Tony's edit: Sounds like someone else is jealous now) 

Bye bye keyboard.

(Tony's edit: And the noble sea king rises from the dead to save the rabbit) 

How heroic can you get? Tony, this sea king thing is getting out of control...where did Whale go?

(Tony's edit: Uh, I may have told him the death reverse is at Walmart on sale)

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WHALE WENT TO WALMART?! wait, he's a whale! How did he get to walmart? How did he get out of his pool?!

Well I'm just going to let this happen. Onto the next creature! 

(Tony's edit: Lithuania wouldn't just let this happen)

QUIET!

The next animal...dun dun dun dunnnn!!! Is kinda weird. Man this is gonna take some explaining. Well here we go!!!! 

His name is D.C, and um, he's an invisible unicorn.

His name stands for Dat Corn. (I wasn't thinking when I named him)

So once upon a time, it was my birthday! Oh yeah! Happy birthday to meeeeee!!!! 

Anyways, me and Britain were back on good terms after the ever so dramatic revolutionary war, so he got me a present for my birthday! oh yeah! (How many times will I use "Oh yeah" in the near future? Only time will tell!)

Alright. Let's get weird.

So you know all Britain's imaginary friends right? Mint Bunny, Uni, weird elf dude? Yeah, all those guys.

So I went down to those woods and had a conversation. 

"America, I have a special present for you."

Yeah! Let's go presents!"

"Now this isn't a usual present."

"Yeah! Let's go unusual presents!"

"Now remember Uni?"

"The "invisible" unicorn?"

"No, the real unicorn you can't see"

"And there's a difference?"

"Yes! Now Uni was pregnant, and she had a child!"

"Congrats?"

"I know! I must find out who the father is!"

"Great you have fun with that. NOW WHAT ABOUT MY PRESENT!!!!"

"Patience America. Now you have to promise to take good care of him."

"Of who? You don't have a son now do you?"

"No! I'm giving you Uni's son!"

"The "invisible" unicorn?"

"Yes. Here. Hold this carrot"

Then the weirdest thing happened. I heard the sound of hooves, and I saw the trees moving a little in the woods like something was running by them. Then an invisible something started eating the carrot!

"AAAAAAAAAGH!

"Quiet you idiot! He's only a baby! You'll scare him."

After petting the air around me, it seems that I did indeed have a new pet invisible unicorn, and almost had a heart attack when I sat in a chair that Britain claimed was occupied by a ghost knight. 

My views of reality shattered, but who says I believe in Britain's friends even though I have an invisible unicorn. 

(Tony's edit: What are you talking about? I see DC just fine)

Fine, I guess I'm just blind to happy things

(Tony's edit: Most Americans are)

I was kidding! Aren't you supposed to be getting Whale back from walmart?

(Tony's edit: About that...)

Hang on. The phone's ringing

(Tony's edit: I wouldn't answer that...)

Hello? Yeah this is Alfred Jones. Yeah I do own a whale. Why? This is John from Walmart? What do you mean an alien let a whale into the seafood isle and then stole all the mars bars from the retro candy isle? No, I believe you. Goodbye.

Oh Tony!

(Tony's edit: They lied. Those bars weren't from mars.)

How could you...that's totally...TONY!!!!

(Tony's edit: Yeah?)

Go back to walmart AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE FIXED THIS!

(Tony's edit: Ok, ok. You know, Lithuania would...)

GO!

Alright my dudes. Sorry for that moment of total uncoolness. Now I have one more animal to tell you about and by the time I'm done with that let's hope the walmart issue is solved.

Back in ye olden days, people used birds to communicate. In modern day, some of my geezer allies still want to use birds.

Me: IPHONES!!!

The other allies: BIRDS!!!!

So I have an eagle to carry messages for me. His name is Justice. Because he seems like a Justice. Or an Al. Al the american eagle sounded less heroic. Justice the american eagle sounds better.

Justice's job is simple. He's supposed to carry and deliver messages from my fellow allies. The only issue is he's not very good at it.

"I'll be like, "Justice! Go deliver this message!" and he'll stick his head in a gravy dish. Here are a few "how to train your eagle" scenarios.

Me: Justice! Take to the skies!

Justice:*falls off the branch he's sitting on*

 

Me: Justice! Deliver this message!

Justice: *tries to eat my ear*

 

Me: Justice! Speak!

Justice: *starts pecking Tony*

 

Me: Justice! Attack Britain!

Justice: *takes off and disappears for a week*

 

So I can't train a bird. THAT SHOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME! I TRAINED AN ALIEN! Or maybe he was already trained. 

Well he wasn't toilet trained. I know that much.

 

(Tony's edit: WE SAID THAT STAYS PRIVATE!!!)

Oh. You're back. Do you have Whale?

(Tony's edit: Yeah. And I have...)

LITHUANIA?!?!?!? I mean, hi there, I'll be right with you...Tony can we talk?

(Tony's edit: I thought since we're all getting over jealousy here...)

We will continue this conversation later. I have to try and be friendly to Lithuania now. 

(Tony's edit: Think happy thoughts...)

Quiet. Ok. Here we go.

...  
...  
...

I CAN'T DO THIS!

(Tony's edit: Back already hmm?)

Lithuania's cleaning my house JUST BECAUSE!

(Tony's edit: Even the beans on the ceiling?!)

Even the beans on the ceiling! Why is it so hard to hate this guy?!

(Tony's edit: Because he's better then you)

That is not the reason! Is it because he's a better person at heart and cares for people other then himself?

(Tony's edit: ...no that CERTAINLY isn't it)

Go away sarcastic alien. 

...  
...  
...

Lithuania brought cookies for us.

(Tony's edit: I love Lithuania!) 

I'll bet he loves Whale more

(Tony's edit: NO WAY!)

If you're gonna bug me, I'm gonna bug you.

(Tony's edit: I think I'll carve out Whale's heart and give it to Lithuania as a gift)

WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! Easy there! I'm sure the oh so great Lithuania has enough love for everyone. 

(Tony's edit: He came to talk to you and not the one with the awesome space ship) 

If I recall you abducted him.

(Tony's edit: Um, not important)

...  
...  
...

I hate and love how nice that dude is. At least I can hate Britain in peace because his cookies are likely to poison me. 

(Tony's edit: That's true.)

I'm gonna go eat some cookies

(Tony's edit: And become frieeeeeeends?)

Noooooooooo.

Maybeeeeeeee

Yeeeeeeeees

I don't knooooooooow

(Tony's edit: While you're deciding, I'm gonna borrow your phone and talk to my mom...)

No! My phone is mine!

(Tony's edit: You let ET phone home but not me?) 

ET didn't send the phone bill through the roof. ET also didn't download a buttload of alien themed apps and used up all the data. He also didn't drop the phone in the toilet...

(Tony's edit: We get it)

ET also didn't...Don't tell me Justice is playing King of The Sea too. 

(Tony's edit: The noble steed brought back the death reverse cure from Walmart's bargain isle and enlisted the help of the magical bird of wisdom along the way. But while the magical bird comes to the good side, the evil steed of Darkness, the Dark Corn has allied with Princess Purrington and Sir Hops-a-lot)

This sea king thing is getting way out of hand.

(Tony's edit: Lithuania would play king of the sea with me. Oh, and he's still standing in the living room)

Shoot! That's right! Remember when I was trying to write a chapter for a story and all of a sudden chaos happens?

(Tony's edit: I gotta go. The King of the Sea needs to be risen from the dead.)

HEY! DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE!!! KING OF THE...I MEAN TONY COME BACK

Great. I was just abandoned by the king of the sea. 

How the heck am I supposed to wrap up this chapter? My animals are playing King of the Sea, Lithuania's here...

(Tony's edit: Lithuania's going to play King of the Sea with me! Want to play America? You and Lithuania can be kings who formed an alliance with the very best king. ME!)

Alright, Guess I'm playing king of the Sea. 

I guess this scattered chapter's over. Hope you liked it and see you next time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter got crazy. Oh well! The magic O' writing!


End file.
